I see a baby hippopotamus being tumbled and bounced down a rolling river, round keister up in the air.

and then there are rapids full of dogs and cats on floating debris, speeding toward some ominous end– too many too far away for me to save– but some jump off and brave the rapids, swimming, and run off into the wilderness, shaking the wet from their fur.

at some point somewhere I’m pretty sure there’s a purple rhinoceros.

finally, I’m walking along the wooded shore of lake superior when I glimpse something odd, something my eyes and brain together can’t quite make cohere– what *is* that big blue round thing standing in the shallows, turning slightly as if it were… paddling?? and then I see an odd curl– is that a plume?– on top of its head– and suddenly the whole thing coalesces: it’s a big round bird, like a cartoon partridge but enormous. and it is a vivid blue. right as I come up on it and am able to see it more clearly, it startles and paddles out to sea.

just then a couple of huron mountain environmentalists come along with boogie boards, see the bird with an intent recognition that causes me to realize they’re come specifically to see these birds (by now I’ve noticed there are more of them, a flock all paddling the tree-hung shallows)– they’ve tracked them to this spot. the people throw off their gear hastily and make for the water to slip in and get closer to the big blue improbable bobbing birds– I try to ask a few questions, but the woman is distracted– her eyes never leave the nearest bird even as her hands are hurrying over her gear, unfastening straps– and her answers to me are hurried as well and abbreviated– I stand and watch the two people paddle out quietly, lying low on the water, and then I turn and continue on along the overgrown shore.

psychic rehab

intuitive and guarded. that tarot reading that moni gave me was very interesting– it stays with me, makes me think, ponder. in what ways should I be intuitive and guarded. sometimes, from some angles when I look at it, it seems to me that I give it all away too quickly, too easily, too generously and with too little self-regard– too hungry for some return. so maybe the key is to short-circuit that emotionally bankrupt cycle right off the bat and give it all to myself directly, first. to be selfish. why does that feel so repulsive and disgusting? because of all the self-weaning narcissism I see everywhere around me. but I’m not talking about doing it that way. what I mean is really giving it to myself, giving myself space to feel and to understand what I feel– space to be who I am– that has to happen before I can have any true self-respect, before I can give with any real generosity or selflessness to anyone else. or rather self-full-ness. to give with a full heart, without an agenda calculating return. see, everything wrong with this picture seems to come out in money terminology. that rational, calculating, hyper-materialistic background I come from. this is a big tower to tear down. what I feel, what I fear. what sometimes looks like destruction, disaster. but it can be most salutary to tear down and eyesore and plant a garden in its place.