I’ve been trying to find god all this time. ThisÂ becomes apparent to me this morning as I walk infinite rounds insideÂ these four walls. Gear up, gear up, ever and anon ready to venture outâ€“ but continue circling bisecting and interweaving patterns throughÂ interior spaceâ€“ readying, readying forâ€¦ something.Â As I arrange and rearrange objects, populace of aÂ tiny planetary system, I concoct scenarios just so, balanced in vignettes. The endeavorÂ is balletic as I stretch and step, bend and reach.
Something inside me snapped when I learned, when I embraced at last, the factÂ in the face of long years of inconclusive diagnosis and grueling pseudo-treatment, that I am, indeed, infertile.
Shortly thereafter: menopause. Hot flashes. Ooh la la instantaneous conflagration several times daily, nightly, sweat drenched and pit stained regardless of present company or otherwise engagement. Subjected to the aging body’s ill will in fits and fevers until one day they just stopped.