getting better all the ti-i-ime…

ah, the beatles. so good for any occasion.

summer sunday morning, lying in bed lakeside, with birds in the trees out the windows behind my head, voices drifting up from passersby below, sounds of puttering from chris in the kitchen, sunlight shifting in the room as clouds pass across the sky. woke up this morning and made an apple pancake and watched assorted japanese stuffed animal animation and old campy bruce campbell tv clips on hulu. ventured out yesterday during one of my tiny windows of stamina and visited the public library to procure a stack of videos. emerged into cyclonic wind whipping dust across little league fields and parents bearing assorted athletic equipment and uniformed kids in tow dashing through traffic and wreaking general mayhem on lincoln avenue as the first cold sprinkle started. drove home, parked, walked across the street, and the heavens opened and drenched us in the one block walk to the apartment building front door. took a hot shower, followed by a three hour nap. ate fantastic hamburgers a la chris for dinner, chopped apple mixed in with the beef with melted colby cheese on top, sliced tomato and lettuce, and a garlic-buttered kaiser roll. yum. followed closely by cherry jello and mst 3k-esque viewing of the plague of the zombies.

on the mend and enjoying the good life fo’ sho.

litany of plaint

typically, I am a bear when sick, and this week is no exception. poor chris. who has been sick all week, too, and who has been unerringly thoughtful and generous. which only makes me feel like a bigger craphound to complain. but it is 3 a.m., I’m feeling evil, and the only thing for it is to make a whingeing list until I’m all whinged out.

bloody mother of holy… this thing has gone into my ears now. I mean, crshdafugodblessit. this is only the weekend of my single favorite event all year, camping at janet and eliot’s farm for their green barn square dance party– and this year I actually have my own take-along partner and was dead set on dancing myself silly not to mention baking a fresh peach pie and swimming in the pond and listening to all the wonderful musicians and strolling in the sun and chatting with all the delightful creative people, especially the hosts themselves– but NOW– well, cf note about my being a bear when sick = no way I’m likely to enjoy myself as typhoid mary let alone sleeping on the ground with an ear infection and deep cough. so freakin’ cross THAT one off the list. muggafuggashgrr.

oh, but that’s only the cherry on top– ho, I’m only getting started here– also I’m out of freakin’ sick days at work– hahahahahahahahahaha– which says something, or probably several somethings that I can’t begin to contemplate just now– and my bank balance is hovering over kerplunk and my car insurance is due and my cell phone bill overdue and my city sticker expired and the move looming and packing/purging 100% unbegun and the cats neglected in my pretty much abandoned apartment because I just don’t have enough energy to spend time everywhere. and the cats. well, the cats are going to live with my sister’s family, which couldn’t be a happier solution to the dreadful dilemma all around, but still it sucks and still I’m worrying that it won’t go okay, for my sister, or her kids, or the cats themselves, or her husband, yadda yadda yadda. but it’s a solution, so I’ll drive them out there, yowling the entire way over the 4th of july weekend. and doubtless it will all work out, and my sister is a saint, but I feel like a hag and I miss them already. and I miss george and still have terrible flashbacks of that one awful day– listen, if your dog ever gets bloat,  just euthanize. don’t wait. just do it. seriously, do it fast. don’t go through it, and don’t put your dog through it. don’t rack up the emergency vet bills. don’t drive your dog across town in traffic in the back of a taxi on a stretcher, getting all tangled up in and biting at the straps, though heavily sedated, trying to bite you, whom he adores, your dog, the angel, because he’s in such awful pain. just don’t. end it. right away. it will be the kindest thing all around.

don’t get me wrong, universe– I’m seriously grateful. you’ve given me truly stunning love– he and I, we have an incredibly rich and companionable and creative and challenging and gorgeous horizon before us– we have sweetness and hilarity and grit and volume and complexity– but right now just sucks. I’m cranky and horrible and feeling ever so sorry for myself. oh, I know I’ve got it so good, really I do, so many blessings it’s just obscene really. and I see the less fortunate every day, wandering the streets around here, arguing with themselves, gesticulating, boxing with demons I can’t even begin to fathom– I see the minimum wage moms struggling so hard, crossing the street little hands in hand, working the long hours, up early up late– and this is even the first world– I don’t begin to know want or pain or hunger or desperation or anguish… yeah, there’s a crapload of guilt on top of and all around this entire thing– but still. I’m sick of being sick. I’m tired of running so hard and being too dumb to get ahead financially. my damn ear and throat hurt. and my gas tank’s on E. so ppppppphhhhhhhhhhtt. so there.


manny’s is a chicago landmark. we stopped on the way out of town for a ginormous corned beef sandwich to sate the sarah hunger beast and each did our share of flirting with the personnel.

hot linemustard and cigars to govestibule scale

tag, I’m it again

meme-tagged by miz bodibound

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I had *just* moved to iowa from north carolina and was waiting out the summer for the workshop to begin. living in a rented apartment in a house with other people for the first time in years– the dogs would bark, nervous from the move and new circumstances and sounds, and the neighbors would call the landlord, who would call me. it became quickly evident that it was an unworkable situation, and I was shopping for a house. here, let’s let my former self speak for me, care of the wayback machine:

out in the yard just after dark the fireflies are starting up their unintelligible shouting morse. I’ve gone the long road of fraught words to arrive at a horizon of silence. All the lights chatter at me in lost arabic and cyrillic– flashes of syntax and abandoned vowels, consonants turning one another inside out, tuning my ear to emptiness. Here is the fragile flying pattern of non-nonsense– sense to be divined only from the raptures of dream. Surely the bats can read this cursive on the air as they duck and dive in feast– but I, enormous, ponderous and loud, can’t learn the vocabulary fast enough– interloper in the language garden. The daylilies shut themselves under the moon– upside-down pendulums, counting the breeze out in minutes. Such a slippery business, to sift for language– wishing it to ripen in my palm– quixotic fruit that shies out of the light– but such a plum on the tongue when it’s found– such a round sweetness held between the lips. When I close my eyes I see brickwork– stacked patterns verifying the geometry of man– I would escape this willful stronghold, fly into the shapelessness of night, the fold of darkness, real things on the wing. I would throw aside my insistent trowel and the mortar that lodges in my mouth, sticking to my teeth while I sleep. I dream of pulling it off in enormous puttylike stretches, evil tasteless taffy that chokes.

Francis said to Hildegard, There’s a midget in my pocket that does the tango after midnight. Hildegard said, Frank, stand aside, you ruffian– you’re blocking the sundial once again, and it’s nearly time for tea. There’s an ostrich in the garden, and the crocuses are sprouting in autumn– we’ve five times sixpence, and the landlord’s on his route. Hildie, girl, you’re marvelous, cried Frank, the red-lipped rogue, my suspenders fall off sideways, and there’s butter on the backside of my toast. Once I rowed you ’round the Sea of Norway in a copper kettle full of smoke. I’ve livery for Tuesday, but I’ll wait on better weather and my pardon in the post. Frank, my dear and only one, forgive me if I’m shrill, but you’ve emptied all the olives, not a pimento in the house– we’ll have to make Manhattans now and pass out crackers in a dish and hope that Uncle Carlisle will honor us with cheese. Oh, you know I like to bicycle in the middle afternoon– how could you ask the vicar to tea? I’ve lard in my nightcap, the dogs all bark at noon, there are pickets round the garden, and, Hildegard, my dear one, the ostriches you mentioned will keep till New Year’s day.

What are 5 things on your To-Do list for today?

  1. go by the apartment and feed/attend to the cats
  2. baby presents!! can’t believe I’ve left it this long… then again, I totally can believe it.
  3. drive to iowa
  4. have coffee with mickie
  5. help karen prepare for jen & adi’s twins shower

Snacks you enjoy?

mmm, snaaaaaaacks… popcorn, breakfast cereal, chocolate pudding, cottage cheese and crackers/chips, carrot sticks, wednesdays (melted chocolate chips and peanut butter– my sister and a friend invented it while they were babysitting years and years ago)

Things you would do if you were a billionaire?

aw man. bodibound’s list is so generous it puts me a bit to shame. I’m a greedy, selfish girl. first thing I’d do is hire my brother in law to manage my money. have him put me on an allowance. then I’d pay off all our various debt. buy a new laptop, as this one’s dying under my fingers, cursor jumping all around the page, screen flickering. buy an iphone. pick up and travel with chris: europe (france, italy, greece, maybe pick one) for now, first off, then later asia and south america. pick a place for artfarm and build it. make a list of folks to invite. set up our studio. set up a business plan. have a baby.

Places you have lived?

  1. Hometown
  2. Lakeville, CT
  3. Ann Arbor, MI
  4. Mountain View, CA
  5. San Francisco, CA
  6. Cartersville, GA
  7. Durham, NC
  8. Beckley, WV
  9. Durham, NC
  10. Iowa City, IA
  11. Chicago, IL

Jobs you have had?

Babysitter, gopher for automobile parts design firm, various food service positions (short order, baking, pantry, barista, banquet waitress ohso briefly– the hairnet), various temp office crap, various admin support positions, video production assistant, software technical support, client services rep, technical writer, greenhouse worker, writing and literature instructor, web developer, project manager for a wallpaper company

Folks you’re tagging for this meme?

Chris, een, LOM, mickie, paul

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