I dreamed Chris was scolding me for giving away our honey.
Hell, as that single searing jaunt through the Mojave Desert in the middle of July in a Renault Le Car sans AC attested, would be hot.
Under general heat advisory, Floyd and I hunker down inside next to the single chuggingÂ window unit. We maintain a cooler distance than usual, minimizing unnecessary activity.Â Larger mass of water consumption is notable on both our parts.
Lesson of the day: when the hot, grim, viral apocalypse descends, warlord kings will command access to clean, fresh water.
Which only makes the entire sold-out state of Michigan’s surrounding lakesÂ so doom-drenched. Our largest Great Lake, so deeply voluminous and stormy clearâ€“ expendable in the name of commerce and industry.
I have American History X out from Netflix. I’ve ordered itÂ for some reason (Ed Norton), having recalled it (Ed Norton) as brilliant (Ed Norton) if nigh-unbearably grim, which today I think perhaps I should forego, for all the (sigh) Ed Norton.
today I’m liking using navelgazer’s scrolling slideshow as an associative mosey back through the texty archives– so here’s another one, to consider, to reconsider, down the drafty internet eons from the heady Topic Project days of yore…
May 1, 2005
The only carny I ever met was set up on a side street in Lower Manhattanâ€”Ring Toss or Pea Wheel or what have youâ€”Lorelei and I had run down to Pearl River for me to pick up some last-minute gifts/trash care of the Chinatown importers before my flight back to Iowa. Iâ€™d spent the week in long braids, littler clothing than I can fit into today, and had run the gamut of a line-up of metropolitan datesâ€”at that stage I was chomping at the bit to flee my landlocked midwest life, feeling oppressively single, lonely, and questioning every last choice, not least of which the choice stemming from seeming inertia to continue on with the whole debt-incurring business of graduate school toward the ultimate, and long distance, goal of acquiring a Ph.D.â€”not to mention in a social science field when I knew myself to be a humanities girl through and through. Lorelei had moved east mere weeks before and had been living amid the musty waste of a dead or institutionalized old manâ€™s West Side apartment, lining up his oddball and in places ingenious art collection for sale. Trying to keep the orphaned lapdog from shitting all over the place or driving the co-op members to action with its barking. New York. It all sounded good enough to meâ€”intriguing at least if distinctly urban gothicâ€”and Iâ€™d been shopping the New York Public School Systemâ€™s web site for possibilities. I figured under the declaration of general literacy emergency even an MFA in poetry just might slip into a position at the front of a high school classroom. So this was intended as my initial, reconnaissance trip. Plus Iâ€™d been keeping myself busy with the dates lined up ahead of time onlineâ€”somewhat flakey and sleazy across the board, but farmland beggars get down off their high horses and quit being so choosy after awhile. In any case, I felt just fine, sporting my particular exotic brand of pseudo-rural persona, done up in overalls with the tiniest of tshirts beneath and braids aided by sparkly little-girl butterfly clipsâ€”working that Iâ€™m-in-the-big-city-and-young-enough-and-desirable-enough-and-the-horizon-stretches-wide-before-me swaggerâ€”when that horizon literally split itself open with thunder a hundred feet outside Pearl Riverâ€™s exit, and we dashed down the first side street and under a handy striped awning. We noticed then that the thoroughfare was closed off to motor traffic and lined with a series of such tented mechanical midway contraptions as make up a carnival these daysâ€”convertible trailers that uncollapsed to reveal a variety of culturally regurgitated Fun: Balloon-a-Rama, Spinna Winna, Hoop Shot, Rising Water, Frog/Turtle Pounce, Spill the Milk, and the like. Cheap plushies strung up swaying in the blowing rain. Hawkers leaning against their respective rentals each with the compulsory cigarette curled in a fist. Our guy shot us a lazy smile, invited us to try our luck, and, receiving a negative, proceeded to regale us with tales from The Life. In fact Iâ€™ve lost the details to the intervening years and doubt my own powers to reimagine the specific flavors of ramble and sawdustâ€”chintzier and grittier than our wide-eyed romantic notions of carny life comprehendedâ€”but that tang of modern gypsydomâ€”free agents contracting their chosen midway specialties, packing â€˜em up and driving on to the next town in caravan with all the restâ€”or maybe packing in for a couple months to surf or hike should the notion seizeâ€”it smacked essentially of freedom to fresh-sprung workshop poets. And as we walked away, headed for the subway back uptown, Lorelei and I marveled together at the sheer weirdness of the worldâ€™s, and by extension our livesâ€™, scope of possibility.
I have that squeaky-sinus thing, summer cold, yadda yadda, and it’s making me cranky. The spouse grows weary of my standard litany of plaint.
The aging, freon-scented window unit keeps things bearable in darkenedÂ rooms. Cicadas revs up for August.
I have decided to stop giving away good work for free. Let’s call it cranky and angry and be done with it.
I flop down on the unmade bed and lie texting confessional Facebook posts and then deleting them. It bugsÂ me that Facebook makes it a fucking labyrinthine puzzle to figure out how to set my privacy settings so that certain people can see absolutely nothing about me or my life, motherfuckers.
Any minute now my nostril’s gonna squeak again.
Also I’ve wept about four times already today. Woo.