Month: September 2008

…and then think better of it.

I have this bad habit of just taking off, splitting, vamoosing, hitting the high road– which I’m still learning, ohso slowly and late in life, to get a handle on. it’s like I hit a certain point of sensory overload and just need to get away by myself– it developed early, via tricycle, so it’s not like it’s a little whim I’m trying to shake– but I do believe in gradual progress and the possibility of altering even the oldest, inset patterns.

I have this really amazing boyfriend. he’s just so right for me, tho for a long, long time I despaired of actually finding a fortuitous match– chalk one up for hope and a generous universe. still, it ain’t always easy, even this. because, well, it’s two people negotiating the world side by side, a dance of give and take. and also because, let’s face it, he’s got some crazy exes. yeah, yeah, you say, we all do– but I mean really, cuckoo. and also he’s a sensitive, immensely empathetic person, so it’s not just like he can go, aw, yeah, whatever, to hell with them– there’s some understandable processing that needs to happen– and then last night, while out with my crowd from work, we ran into one of them–

and the thing is, it was totally no big deal. I mean, really. but I had already been kind of, for various reasons, nearing the point of public/people saturation that I tend to hit, and then there’s the cuckoo ex, and then somebody makes an offhand comment about how she looks like me– and it just hits a nerve– and this is where I mess up: I don’t take my darling fella aside and say, honey, I’m ready to go home now. nope. not me. lizard brain sarah kicks into gear, drops some jacksons, delivers some rapidfire air-kisses, and splits.

oh ho ho ho, not such a mature move, you say. and you’d be right. I just left my fella standing there, looking like an idiot, with a crazy ex in the vicinity and a vanishing girlfriend.

bad habit vanishing sarah. it’s not easy, catching that split second you have to consider, to think, before reacting when your old triggers get tripped. more and more I’m finding occasion to do just that, to catch it before it turns into a Thing, to consider and choose before automatically reacting– I’m doing it more and more with my family, practicing doing it in the workplace, did it last week with a landlord issue– I’m doing better all the time with choosing how I want to feel and behave. but last night I slipped. big time. I regressed.

the upside is that my fella is a prince– brave and honest and full-hearted. he came home, and we– did what we do, which is very good. we talk, we listen, we discuss options for the next time; we apologize, we hold one another, and we vow to do better. and, yknow what? we always are.

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