Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

It’s not often these days that I find myself eagerly awaiting a film’s release– a few too many hype-amplified disappointments over the years. Part of me is in fact hesitant to invest too much emotionally in the expectation of an hour and half’s spectatorship, regardless ultimately of even liking the film or not– but the truth is, I’m hooked here, frankly. I’m barbed and wriggling and gluttonous for the sharpest tang in my gut, and come August 26, by golly, I’ll be hitting the multiplex to take in this summer’s release of Guillermo Del Toro’s Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.

Once upon a time I was a little sister– that is, a-lot-littler younger sibling to a couple of big brothers and one older sister, all of whom I gazed wide-eyed upon as very local celebrities.

The brothers early on marched off long-haired and guitar-playing to boarding school (an institution whose distance was marked indelibly by the elder, a cyclist of some long distance repute, who spent one endless summer vacation riding home across the states, sleeping in ditches en route).

The sister ohso-far-outpaced me in knowledge of grownup things, as evidenced by her flaunting of simultaneous 9th grade boyfriends, the dreamy dueling Dirk and Doug, unseen but imagined during eavesdropped telephone conversations from our parents’ bedroom phone extension (the trick of mute by pressing diagonal buttons gleaned off an elementary schoolmate with her own older sister).

These siblings ultimately served for me as the factotums of fashion, opinion, and an entire scope of worldly reference I could only most laggingly and hazily begin to grasp from five years’ trailing shadow.

My sister of the shiny silky turquoise-and-rust landscape-printed disco shirts with long pointy collars and pearlized buttons halfway-fastened typically ruled the central broadcast medium, a squat, olive-green-screened solid state megalith whose channels switched with an audible ker-thunk and before which I’d sit cross-legged afternoons after school, soaking up episodes of I Love Lucy and Gilligan’s Island. This same sophisticated sister was occasionally left in outright charge in the event of unavailable adult supervision–so it was doubtless under this babysitting regime that in the Halloween month of 1973 my psyche encountered and was forevermore seared by demons in the basement who target a family’s little daughter and drag her to hell in the middle of the night.


I must date to this cinematic event my lingering distaste for cellars. Sent on occasion by my mom to fetch some dinner fixin’ from the basement meat locker, I’d stand at the head of the stairs, switch on the overhead bulb via its stiff punch-button wallplate forged in a manual era, and teeter on the brink of descending those wooden steps so spookily illuminated, bracing myself. Finally, taking a long and fortifying breath, I’d plunge and clatter down, speedwalk across the green-glazed cement-floored laundry room, fumble for the slippery freezer key where it twisted on its hook, fit it into place with many mutters, casting all the while rapid glances toward the webby recesses of furnace gloom, grapple out whatever packet of peas or chops was required, re-lock the thing as fast as trembling digits would allow, and turn and race back up the stairs, convinced a hoard of dark-spawned demons trailed in swift pursuit.

Worse, my childhood bedroom featured a small storage closet beneath the eaves, which, due to some fluke of old house settling or cross-draft, tended to inch open incrementally in the night, however firmly I’d shut the thing at bedtime. Convinced small monsters had architected a secret passageway up from the basement through it, I finally thieved a minuscule padlock from my dad’s workbench and fastened it locked shut, empty and echoing my full panorama of fertile nightmares.

Why in the name of all things salutary, you may well ask, would I wish now to revisit the seed of all these lurking terrors? Some perversity no doubt compels me without rationality toward this newest installment of terror, wrought on the current occasion by a most devious wizard who gave us Pan’s Labyrinth and The Devil’s Backbone. In point of fact and on closer inspection I notice that Guillermo Del Toro’s film credit leaves out directing, is strictly for writing and producing, so I half expect the result to be some B-grade Katie Holmes goth grotesquerie– but if the possibility of revisiting the root of gripping childhood terror exists, I’m bound for the theater come August and may find there a final resting place for creeping, fabricated specters of a kid’s imagination. Or maybe I’ll only succeed in renewing my age-old fear of basements.

Wind, oh

This room this morning reminds me of another, years and states away—dark glow of lacquered wood cabinetry against whitewashed walls, waking early, pre-dawn, still night, some bête noir or seasonal restlessness kicking me alert at an unusual hour—and I rose from my narrow bed and walked to the open window brightening even as I watched against the dim room, birds loud, unabashed, yelling in bird voices, careless of curfew or examination, odor of peaking lilac and rising exhalation of lawn, a long yawn across the classical quadrangle bisected by trim concrete walkways door to door, a fan of brickwork patio, wide steps like a terraced approach to the façade. In my room, door closed and awake when every stipulated line of the crested handbook deemed I should be sleeping the sleep of the just and ambitious, to wake at the appointed hour and step through the dictates of decorum in a timely and alert manner, good soldier to breakfast, to class, to sport, to study, to college, to Wall Street, to nirvana or Valhalla or Poughkeepsie or Greenwich in double time. But me, spawned out of Midwestern shipping mutts, fled from suburbia to—what? Not the lockstep—that open window loud with night-morning wilderness and invitation, sheer wet cold grass reaching for pellmell tread of bare feet, plush and bleeding green onto feeling skin—was I seduced by the luxury of slouching leather chairs in library alcoves and cool-flagged floors for what they represented of achievement and arrival—or more an ecstatic religion of outright aesthetic bursting with sensory revelation if bereft of explicit intent? What passed for a curtain then, blowing in on the breeze of that morning, a tapestry handed-down from my older sister before me, scrap of previous bohemianism forever smelling somehow of bacon, likely incense of a prior era redolent to me of grandeur, intrigue, and slippery decadence—imagined panoramas concocted against the blank slate sweep of my own small dormitory space, constructed vividly, elaborately envisioned, tempted by and craving something more, beyond, surging like the rolling energy of those forested hillsides reaching across the view—up close forever to scale, endless under the clatter of lacrosse cleats against pavement, impromptu long distance testament to coaching praxis grounded in Yankee punishment and shame, shin splints be damned—but well fed, well bred, acultured to a definite ideal and set of lofty standards—The H______ Experience so called as if by trademark, emblazoned as banner across tastefully matte brochure covers and, I seem to recall, white painter’s caps at the Upper Mid Carnival—even the class years renamed in deference to an other, auspicious tradition, apart from the norm, set teetering upon the pinnacle of a hilltop overlooking a white-steepled town and jewel-blue lake, tottering on the verge of adulthood and self-definition. And now, here, so many years after—another window yawning wide with possibility—the stretch between the two containing what? So much so various. Hardly cohering to a path except that it does and has, somehow—navigable only by the wits and will of an inestimable drive onward through cities and streets, houses and apartment buildings, changing names, professions, habits formed and broken, hearts and feasts and fasts and tumbles through spare bedrooms, across transcontinental highways and gravel back roads, chicken shit and industrial soot, impossible weather. Many mornings waking to sunlight or rain, Spring birds or rumble of jumbo jets in descent, wide and ranging cast of companions and housepets, solitude persistent—always wondering what precisely it was that called me awake that one morning and how to answer it even now.

The Unusuals

there’s this odd phenomenon that springs from only watching tv streaming via netflix or hulu or veetle or or or… where you, with great glee and zero fanfare, “discover” shows that have already spent whatever brief heyday they may have enjoyed in live network time and now sit relegated, for marketing or ratings or budgetary reasons, to the sarcofagi of video archiving.

just as I arrived late to the fandom party for dollhouse (how in the name of all that’s awesome have I NOT made a dollhouse post?? must amend this oversight pronto…) and terminator: the sarah connor chronicles, so have I just added the unusuals— like an extinct star still beaming to the eye via the perpetual present of netflix– to my running list of video favorites.

if you, like me, are a fan of quirks and oddity, check out this ensemble, offbeat cop show– what little got shot before the marketeers canceled its delicioulsy off-kilter run.

Gretel Again

little girl lost

Gretel Again

Lost herself on deertrails
and rabbit trails winding through
stands of snagged branches,
gloomy hemlock and witchwood
saplings, toadstool-strewn, the sort
of woods favoring cool pockets,
fragrant hollows bushy with rhododendron,
geography redolent with the ether of myth
and history seeped through the pores
like a sap. She places, so ginger,
a sole 
rolled to flat-footed in front
of the other, barely-progress amounting
incrementally to eke 
a murky way
between finger-like roots and burrows
of creatures who creep. Crevices
tempt with capacity and she dreams
herself sufficiently small to curl
within and rest. Waking where
darkness hollers: screech
owl-maybe, wishes she’d paid
closer 
attention, wonders what school
has given of use after all, what specific
implements of navigation or leverage
for the situation, what physics relative
to this something short of a trail. Thinks
of books back home, heavy trove
shelved square in place to squared walls,
and she, here, flung, flying  through snatches of stars,
brushy 
glimmers of a sky so vast, black and blue,
and swirling, its impossibility loses her wind.
Those remembered tomes tote ballast of sorts
to catch breath once more and, taking a step
forward, consider a 
multitude of heroines
well-wrought and writ to a T, finished,
pressed and bound
 with cloth and leather
and tresses of their own hair. Ingénues
both callow and scripted. She envies them
their castles for starters, their fabulous
duds or not so fancy but period, surely,
gifted in token by some monarch or author.
Those girls in and of themselves
retrospective of little, heroines regardless,
by what not-quite-womanly magics
still surviving, seemingly forever after
thrusting an older generation into oven or wolf
of precocious ingenuity, if convenient
occasion, despite mistakes with breadcrumbs,
weak character, epochs of hesitation or outright
slumber. The outrage! She stumbles, spluttering,
ungame for the current narrative, left to devices
of shift and typeface, exhausted by threadbare dilemma,
urgent with clumsy imagination in avenues of not-even
rumored footsteps,
 palimpsest of conundrum
and choice, all alien, terrestrial, other. Betimes
her own limbs
, branching, thrust down, forfeit
walking, take root and climb deeper.

summer comin’

sunny warmer late spring days mean basking, face up, eyes closed out on the back porch.

container garden in the works…

sitting in the sundazzle and painting toenails with ridiculous sparkly colors is requisite…

as is lots of tasty grilling…

pattern & color

words are flummoxing, persistent, legion. poised at the digital nexus of blogs & email & facebook & twitter, I’m foundering a bit in a soup of verbosity.

in lieu of words, I’m currently losing myself in concrete shapes and patterns of color.

homemade book cloth & paste paper finding unbound purposing…

oddly thematic etsy favoriting…

for no one

Lately I’m grappling and struggling to come to terms with the prospect of simply writing– without the need for response of any kind, complimentary or critical or simply discursive.

While my chosen web moniker might suggest some degree of equanimity with a state of solipsism, the lived truth little resembles such self-satisfaction.

I imagine most of us who write compulsively do so at least in part from the urge toward two-way communication, rather than aiming intentionally for the unidirectional prose that often results.

Conceivably this is why bloggers study their stats, attempting to detect by evanescent digital footprints what invisible participants may have visited their thoughtscape, and revel in the gracious gift of commentators.

Principally, writers write to be read. So the absence of any proof of an audience can be discouraging or at least give one pause: why are we failing to inspire readership? Yet we go on writing, compulsively, regardless. I think, therefore I write.

Occasionally our words seem indeed actively to provoke the opposite of their desired result: silence. Recently my posting of written thoughts in email to two different collections of reader/participants (my book club and a virtual mailing list discursive “community”) has prompted only crickets. After having written and submitted and waited for some form of engaged response, and waited and waited some more, I’ve had to consider the possibilities: that I’m simply bad at this written communication, or that I’ve managed inadvertently to offend others or have made them uncomfortable or possibly bored or irritated or… In lieu of any evidence or responsive indications in one direction or another, I have simply to wonder.

Sometimes this back and forth, or back and no forth, process stills or stuffs the compulsion to write, if only for a time. I’ll go inward, curl around the uncertainty, maybe find some entirely other medium to muck around with for a bit, photography or bookbinding or printing or collage– but eventually I will, without fail, find my way back once more to words.

And write for no one. Simply write. Because I can’t not do so for long. And so it goes its windy, rambling way who knows where– and as a three year old me once said– but who will get there first.

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Easy A

this fun a literary/pop culture mashup is streaming now on netflix. it’s a wittily scripted riff on high school ethics sprouting from an assigned reading (dvd watching) of hawthorne and double-stepping across the screen with quippily literary repartee and an essentially humane dynamic of individual dilemma, decision, and resolution.

revelatory lead emma stone (appearing in more and more films right now, and apparently enjoying her very well deserved place in the sun at the moment) smokes and boasts a neat set of pipes to boot.

nyt dismissed it as ultimately puritanical and second to clueless, but that’s kind of movie review overkill. plus it has cool trompe l’oeil titles.

Grey’s Anatomy rocks my little heart

The truth is I wish life were as legible and constructed as an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

The emotional order of its scripting and plotting, sailing near (surely, to some, plumb over) the edge of cheeze in pursuit of a fine fiction fraught with artificially induced emotional truths a viewer might temporarily embrace, the release of soap operatic scale. Escapist, indeed. I’m a little behind the 8 ball on weighing in on this one, but– the Grey’s Anatomy Music Event was, in my opinion, splendid.

chasing cars

how to save a life

running on sunshine

universe and u

the story