intuitive and guarded. that tarot reading that moni gave me was very interesting– it stays with me, makes me think, ponder. in what ways should I be intuitive and guarded. sometimes, from some angles when I look at it, it seems to me that I give it all away too quickly, too easily, too generously and with too little self-regard– too hungry for some return. so maybe the key is to short-circuit that emotionally bankrupt cycle right off the bat and give it all to myself directly, first. to be selfish. why does that feel so repulsive and disgusting? because of all the self-weaning narcissism I see everywhere around me. but I’m not talking about doing it that way. what I mean is really giving it to myself, giving myself space to feel and to understand what I feel– space to be who I am– that has to happen before I can have any true self-respect, before I can give with any real generosity or selflessness to anyone else. or rather self-full-ness. to give with a full heart, without an agenda calculating return. see, everything wrong with this picture seems to come out in money terminology. that rational, calculating, hyper-materialistic background I come from. this is a big tower to tear down. what I feel, what I fear. what sometimes looks like destruction, disaster. but it can be most salutary to tear down and eyesore and plant a garden in its place.
looking in and looking out