transition throes

I feel perfectly dreadful– at wits’ end with having no employment, structure, income, daily rationale– inside my head it all spins into an old vortex of fear and self-recrimination and insecurity and low self-esteem– I have an inkling of what I want to do with my days in exchange for a paycheck– but I’m terribly resistent about refining the definition– as if I’m terrified of getting stuck in something I never really bargained on– as if I couldn’t leave at any time I want. afraid of ending up somewhere I don’t want to be, I’m afraid to even begin shaping myself toward a self-determined goal– I make all kinds of declarations inside myself about the staying power I don’t possess and create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I need to remember the gift of process and tiny baby steps, that I need to be kind to myself above all and coach myself along the difficult road toward doing something I cannot right now do. I feel so lonely and scared here, stripped of the resources that bolstered me. I often wish lately that I’d never moved to this horrible, lonely, airless, pointless place. I know I’ll come through the other side eventually, but I wonder how long the bad part is going to go on for. I keep fluffing myself up and saying, hang in there, girlie— but I also know that I’m not doing all I could to further myself along this path– there’s no map or script, and I worry that I’m letting myself meander into the dark of the deep woods. it’s really hard when you can’t see your way clear.

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