deja vu

I’ve been here before. called to account for some indiscretion I’d posted on my web page by my sister after some Good Samaritan had forwarded her a link.

the truth is I know I air too much in this space, and for the most part it is mine to air. but certain details may not in fact be mine to air, for all that they are mine to process. and my intention is not to cause pain or shame to anyone I love. it never was. but my actions, making public what is private, can tend toward that end.

I debated with myself the ethics of posting the item under question. there were a couple of days where I really didn’t know how to proceed and at first proceeded privately, with this material viewable to friends only–a small subset of people who, I hoped and trusted, would take their dismay up with me directly should they feel the need to express dismay.

generally speaking, my family does not observe what I do. I am aware of this. so after a time, after I’d posted a few other things and superficially buried this piece, I deemed it safe to change the post to viewable by anyone. why? arguably, that was thumbing my nose. but ultimately I wanted to own the project fully—as a project.

to which I truly felt (perhaps mistakenly) there were not people attached– until someone outside my family, observing silently, opted to step in and forward the link to my sister– thereby throwing her into embarrassment and concern on behalf of other family members.

I do know that no one in my family would have likely taken any notice of this project of mine without the intervention of a third party.

well and good. this is a fine lesson to me that I don’t operate in the vacuum I tend to assume. that the gossipy world I was raised in persists. it reminds me that I do not in fact intend harm or shame to my family members by my personal, processing project, despite the fact that it might seem to be “about” them– and reminds me to revise my actions to suit this intention. and it teaches me to remember that the web is in fact a public forum, as enclosed as the process of writing and posting might feel, at times.

as the process of living might feel, at times.

it is worth noting that people are quietly judging me.

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