birthday eve

this time last year I was f-f-f-freakin’ out. which is not so much the case tonight.

41 doesn’t feel quite the hurdle that 40 did. and I’m feeling rather more established, or heading-in-that-direction, in my life here and now than I did at this time a year ago. so that’s all good. but I’m still battling the blues. the counselor says she’s impressed, that I’m doing well on the heels of romantic disappointment and so on– and I hear that– I know I’m doing the right sorts of work to help myself be well and proceed forward (I even have car insurance, woo! ;) ). but I said to her I dunno, I’m just tired of doing the work. and she said, what do you want, that the world should do it for you? that roses should tumble from the heavens? (well, not in those exact words, and, no, she’s not a jewish grandmother, but that’s the gist) and I said, no, I know, no… but there was something else– it eluded me in the mortification of how I imagined I’d sounded, and it just came clear to me tonight– I’m tired of doing the work and still feeling crappy. I’m tired of this heavy heavy heart. it feels as if I get short-lived vacations from it (the joy of coffee with a friend, the ebullience of falling in love), but here I am, back again with this dang clunker. and so tonight I think: maybe some sort of elemental lightening is in order for this organ in my forty-first year. we shall have to see about this.

in other news, tomorrow expires. I hadn’t really planned to let it lapse, but the current state of the bank account dictates it– so rather than going begging, I’m calling it the natural end of an era and letting this be okay. and it is okay.

everything is okay and is going to be okay.

still, if you have a moment, please do this for me: send me a little story about your favorite birthday. you know you have one. dredge it up. I’ve got two, actually– the one with the fishing down the laundry chute and the one with the blizzard 21st birthday surprise party orchestrated by my awesome brother. there was a time I loved birthdays and would play the beatles “birthday” for myself full-blast first thing in the morning. I’d kind of like to get back there again.

cueing up the white album for the a.m…

14 Replies to “birthday eve”

  1. (scratches forehead) hmmmm……. Hey I've got 49 of the bastards to look through, gimme a minute. OK, I was on the road in a pink Buick with sis, bro, mom and dad, exploring the Canadian Rockies. That was lucky 7. Next comes, I think, 36, when I was in Napa with some friends, doing coke off the dashboard between tasting rooms (that morning, they had awakened me by blasting that cut from the White Album at like 6 AM. Another candidate is number three, from which I have a photo of myself clutching my presents in our driveway. I've always liked presents. Anyway, many happy returns! This 49 yo thinks you're awesome.

  2. it feels as if I get short-lived vacations from it (the joy of coffee
    with a friend, the ebullience of falling in love), but here I am, back
    again with this dang clunker.Beautifully, beautifully expressed. And you inspired me more than you know. I wish you happiness and nothing but good things for you this year.

  3. My 7th birthday was my most memorable. I got my first dog. That year in school (first grade from September until my birthday in January) I drew the same picture every day in school. A house with a clothes line that had a dog attached to it. You can see me with Fluffy on my birthday here (and you gotta love the clothes I'm wearing).Other than that birthdays are usually just regular days for me. Even the *big* birthdays such as 16, 18, 21, and 30 were uneventful. I don't mind this though. I was happy that this year I was able to relax and hang out with Andrew and the dogs, something I don't get to do too often these days.

  4. Happy Birthday! I'm like Amanda. Most of my birthdays are pretty much like any other day. I really liked my 40th birthday, aside from the horribleness of 40. I bought myself a little cake and Matt and I sat around eating it with some Champagne. We may have played Scrabble but I like cake so that made it fun.

  5. you and that pooch are about the most adorable pair imaginable! that must have been one stellar birthday for a little girl. I love the story of the persistent drawings–that's amazing, your dedication evident even at such a young age– good for your parents for listening. :)

  6. That dog was so spoiled. She slept in my bed. I took her around in a play baby stroller. There might even be a photo of that in the same Flickr set that I linked to above. It's sort of odd that I didn't have any other dogs until Beacon and Haven.

  7. Hm, just this morning I realized I'm going to be forty this year and I was thinking about what that meant, in terms of proper celebration and the significance of being that age (if any).I honestly can't remember a birthday that stands out for its excellence, but instead a handful for their crappiness. The last couple ones have been OK: in fact, for one of those my wife urged me to go to my regular pub night, then surprised me by bringing the kids and a few other friends over with a cake for all of us (including the pub regulars) to share. That's probably the best I can come up with.I seriously know what you mean about having done so much work, but still feeling bad. I can tell myself it's just like being in a committed relationship or raising children, in that the work never stops, but that doesn't really help me feel like doing the work. Sigh.

  8. one of the really good ones was the summer after A's dad, J, passed away. we'd all been through the major mourning, and were ready to eat, drink, and blow shit up by the time the fourth of july rolled around. in the gorgeous, tri-level garden J had designed and built before his accident, night fell thick and shiny, while the little kids played and the big kids tipped one back and A's stepdad, J's husband of 19 years, actually had a pretty good time. three of the new-generation husbands had spent a week designing and building a very complicated fireworks launching system, and we all sat at the bottom of the last hill and watched them blow 'em off over the river. i think i turned 25 or 26. it was a very good night.

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