this time last year I was f-f-f-freakin’ out. which is not so much the case tonight.
41 doesn’t feel quite the hurdle that 40 did. and I’m feeling rather more established, or heading-in-that-direction, in my life here and now than I did at this time a year ago. so that’s all good. but I’m still battling the blues. the counselor says she’s impressed, that I’m doing well on the heels of romantic disappointment and so on– and I hear that– I know I’m doing the right sorts of work to help myself be well and proceed forward (I even have car insurance, woo! ;) ). but I said to her I dunno, I’m just tired of doing the work. and she said, what do you want, that the world should do it for you? that roses should tumble from the heavens? (well, not in those exact words, and, no, she’s not a jewish grandmother, but that’s the gist) and I said, no, I know, no… but there was something else– it eluded me in the mortification of how I imagined I’d sounded, and it just came clear to me tonight– I’m tired of doing the work and still feeling crappy. I’m tired of this heavy heavy heart. it feels as if I get short-lived vacations from it (the joy of coffee with a friend, the ebullience of falling in love), but here I am, back again with this dang clunker. and so tonight I think: maybe some sort of elemental lightening is in order for this organ in my forty-first year. we shall have to see about this.
in other news, tomorrow navelgazer.com expires. I hadn’t really planned to let it lapse, but the current state of the bank account dictates it– so rather than going begging, I’m calling it the natural end of an era and letting this be okay. and it is okay.
everything is okay and is going to be okay.
still, if you have a moment, please do this for me: send me a little story about your favorite birthday. you know you have one. dredge it up. I’ve got two, actually– the one with the fishing down the laundry chute and the one with the blizzard 21st birthday surprise party orchestrated by my awesome brother. there was a time I loved birthdays and would play the beatles “birthday” for myself full-blast first thing in the morning. I’d kind of like to get back there again.
cueing up the white album for the a.m…