typically, I am a bear when sick, and this week is no exception. poor chris. who has been sick all week, too, and who has been unerringly thoughtful and generous. which only makes me feel like a bigger craphound to complain. but it is 3 a.m., I’m feeling evil, and the only thing for it is to make a whingeing list until I’m all whinged out.
bloody mother of holy… this thing has gone into my ears now. I mean, crshdafugodblessit. this is only the weekend of my single favorite event all year, camping at janet and eliot’s farm for their green barn square dance party– and this year I actually have my own take-along partner and was dead set on dancing myself silly not to mention baking a fresh peach pie and swimming in the pond and listening to all the wonderful musicians and strolling in the sun and chatting with all the delightful creative people, especially the hosts themselves– but NOW– well, cf note about my being a bear when sick = no way I’m likely to enjoy myself as typhoid mary let alone sleeping on the ground with an ear infection and deep cough. so freakin’ cross THAT one off the list. muggafuggashgrr.
oh, but that’s only the cherry on top– ho, I’m only getting started here– also I’m out of freakin’ sick days at work– hahahahahahahahahaha– which says something, or probably several somethings that I can’t begin to contemplate just now– and my bank balance is hovering over kerplunk and my car insurance is due and my cell phone bill overdue and my city sticker expired and the move looming and packing/purging 100% unbegun and the cats neglected in my pretty much abandoned apartment because I just don’t have enough energy to spend time everywhere. and the cats. well, the cats are going to live with my sister’s family, which couldn’t be a happier solution to the dreadful dilemma all around, but still it sucks and still I’m worrying that it won’t go okay, for my sister, or her kids, or the cats themselves, or her husband, yadda yadda yadda. but it’s a solution, so I’ll drive them out there, yowling the entire way over the 4th of july weekend. and doubtless it will all work out, and my sister is a saint, but I feel like a hag and I miss them already. and I miss george and still have terrible flashbacks of that one awful day– listen, if your dog ever gets bloat, just euthanize. don’t wait. just do it. seriously, do it fast. don’t go through it, and don’t put your dog through it. don’t rack up the emergency vet bills. don’t drive your dog across town in traffic in the back of a taxi on a stretcher, getting all tangled up in and biting at the straps, though heavily sedated, trying to bite you, whom he adores, your dog, the angel, because he’s in such awful pain. just don’t. end it. right away. it will be the kindest thing all around.
don’t get me wrong, universe– I’m seriously grateful. you’ve given me truly stunning love– he and I, we have an incredibly rich and companionable and creative and challenging and gorgeous horizon before us– we have sweetness and hilarity and grit and volume and complexity– but right now just sucks. I’m cranky and horrible and feeling ever so sorry for myself. oh, I know I’ve got it so good, really I do, so many blessings it’s just obscene really. and I see the less fortunate every day, wandering the streets around here, arguing with themselves, gesticulating, boxing with demons I can’t even begin to fathom– I see the minimum wage moms struggling so hard, crossing the street little hands in hand, working the long hours, up early up late– and this is even the first world– I don’t begin to know want or pain or hunger or desperation or anguish… yeah, there’s a crapload of guilt on top of and all around this entire thing– but still. I’m sick of being sick. I’m tired of running so hard and being too dumb to get ahead financially. my damn ear and throat hurt. and my gas tank’s on E. so ppppppphhhhhhhhhhtt. so there.