in which I flee

…and then think better of it.

I have this bad habit of just taking off, splitting, vamoosing, hitting the high road– which I’m still learning, ohso slowly and late in life, to get a handle on. it’s like I hit a certain point of sensory overload and just need to get away by myself– it developed early, via tricycle, so it’s not like it’s a little whim I’m trying to shake– but I do believe in gradual progress and the possibility of altering even the oldest, inset patterns.

I have this really amazing boyfriend. he’s just so right for me, tho for a long, long time I despaired of actually finding a fortuitous match– chalk one up for hope and a generous universe. still, it ain’t always easy, even this. because, well, it’s two people negotiating the world side by side, a dance of give and take. and also because, let’s face it, he’s got some crazy exes. yeah, yeah, you say, we all do– but I mean really, cuckoo. and also he’s a sensitive, immensely empathetic person, so it’s not just like he can go, aw, yeah, whatever, to hell with them– there’s some understandable processing that needs to happen– and then last night, while out with my crowd from work, we ran into one of them–

and the thing is, it was totally no big deal. I mean, really. but I had already been kind of, for various reasons, nearing the point of public/people saturation that I tend to hit, and then there’s the cuckoo ex, and then somebody makes an offhand comment about how she looks like me– and it just hits a nerve– and this is where I mess up: I don’t take my darling fella aside and say, honey, I’m ready to go home now. nope. not me. lizard brain sarah kicks into gear, drops some jacksons, delivers some rapidfire air-kisses, and splits.

oh ho ho ho, not such a mature move, you say. and you’d be right. I just left my fella standing there, looking like an idiot, with a crazy ex in the vicinity and a vanishing girlfriend.

bad habit vanishing sarah. it’s not easy, catching that split second you have to consider, to think, before reacting when your old triggers get tripped. more and more I’m finding occasion to do just that, to catch it before it turns into a Thing, to consider and choose before automatically reacting– I’m doing it more and more with my family, practicing doing it in the workplace, did it last week with a landlord issue– I’m doing better all the time with choosing how I want to feel and behave. but last night I slipped. big time. I regressed.

the upside is that my fella is a prince– brave and honest and full-hearted. he came home, and we– did what we do, which is very good. we talk, we listen, we discuss options for the next time; we apologize, we hold one another, and we vow to do better. and, yknow what? we always are.

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8 Replies to “in which I flee”

  1. Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry you felt like this. Look at it this way, at least when you are upset or overloaded you don't just start pummeling people or doing something far more harmful to you and others.

  2. Can I say that he should f— n cold-shoulder his exes, starting yesterday? Maybe its a little cold, but c'mon, their f—-n HISTORY already. No doubt the one in question HUGELY enjoyed getting to create some trouble. His relationship with you is number 1, and any prior romantic involvement that's causing any kind of trouble for that, has to get told to f— off, and don't come back. (watching a lot of Sopranos lately)

  3. i've been watching back to back sopranos a lot as well. me and the mrs start effin and blindin at each other after it.
    maybe if chris hobbled you, like whatsername, annie wilkes, in 'misery', then you wouldnt be able to flee. you would just kinda totter off and he could catch you up.
    i dont think you should be tooo hard on yourself. sometimes stuff happens too quick to be always rational.

  4. I have this really amazing partner who shares herself with such
    authenticity I cannot help but drink in her beauty with every breath she takes.
    To say she makes me a better man doesn’t explain all she does for me.

    I believe you said it best Paul, "stuff happens too quick to be always
    rational"

    The back
    story…..

    We were out
    with all of Sarah’s coworkers just being in a series of great moments that make
    the whole experience thick with memories that you don’t want to forget.

    As this
    evening seemed to dance with ease I looked around in the middle of a hard laugh and there is my ex with
    her girlfriend “Yep it’s exactly what you’re thinking” in a booth 10 feet away
    and we made that dreaded eye contact right off the bat. No prep time just “oh
    great its you with a smile of fake acknowledgment like two old buddies found”
    Without thinking I blurted out to the guy I was talking to “oh there is my ex
    with her lesbian …..” Why I have no idea kinda like shitting yourself in
    church. Everything kinda spun around the two gin martinis, while olives
    collided in the knowledge as I walked to the booth the laugher behind me
    stopped and a story was being told to all about me that I wasn’t quite ready to
    share.

    I didn’t prepare Sarah I left her hanging as I introduced her to the ex and her
    partner. I had dreaded this moment and thought I had planned it al out but not
    one single plan was recalled as I floated in this surreal fart. I told them
    both that I was happy and that we were doing the things that make a couple
    entwine their hearts. It was over as fast as it had started.

    What I
    should have done was sit by my love and see if everything was ok , I didn’t. do
    that I was afraid that if I sat down the gang might want to talk I really
    didn’t want to be the center of attention with questions such as“ so you had a
    relationship with a lesbian? Whats that like?”

    All I can say is that I’m so lucky to have Sarah in my life for in my
    past this moment would have been discussed in hundreds of hours of therapy. All
    of this has become nothing but a silly moment solved with loving kiss.

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