truth telling

I can’t do anything about the ambivalence but acknowledge it. maybe I am too old. maybe too irresponsible or neurotic, too self-involved, flawed in a thousand, a hundred thousand ways. maybe I will worry myself to death. perhaps 100% of me is not entirely convinced that parenthood is the best course– no more staying up late noodling just for the hell of it, no more morning lassitude or wide open spaces of minutes to ponder the dilemma of self– god, I want a baby. it’s that bald, at times. at times, it is that basic, the desire to grow beyond the self, to forge a family alongside another thinking/feeling favorite person. it’s ridiculous, really– I can speak blatantly about my desire for a dog, but to admit my yearning to be a mother feels somehow unmentionable, awkward, at this point, in some lights, pathetic. it is a lot to admit. so dreams have spoken the truth I cannot utter for years– the fears and desires. I can’t bear witnessing my changing, aging body, because it heralds the passing of possibility. it’s not all I’ve ever wanted, and honestly many days I fear I’ve accomplished so little– but this one thing, on the verge of being taken from me, seems regrettable, if missed. I know there are a lot of ways to parent, many many valid ways. I have considered several of them, as alternatives. but the chance may not yet be gone to carry my own child in my body, concocted from parts of both of us– what a wonder! brilliant. I want that. I don’t want the opportunity to pass, in the course of things.

I realize this is a lot. I struggle with knowing I’m inclined to say too much, so I say nothing and end up feeling unbearably lonely and unconnected. I must write my heart or risk falling entirely to pieces. it’s a little sloppy, but the only thing that works.

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0 Replies to “truth telling”

  1. I must write my heart or risk falling entirely to pieces. it's a little sloppy, but the only thing that works.
    And it's beautiful.
    I love your sweet ambivalent soul, lady!
    Gawd, if you aren't one of the most brilliant writers I've ever read…

  2. Get pregnant. Or don't. Either way you'll be a WONDERFUL mother. And either way, nothing at all is lost. Just be you. That is more than enough.

  3. Having kids can be one of the most frightful things in your life, but also one of the most rewarding. You wonder if you will be a good parent, if you can do it, a million things you question about yourself. There are no rule books and no matter what you read or who you talk to regarding the subject, everyone has a different answer.
    As they say, the only things in life you regret are those you don't do. So, if there is an inkling of wanting a child, don't let lingering doubts about anything override that. Parenting is a learn as you go course, in which I think you'd be a star student. Whatever your choice, only consider the realities, not the possibilities ot probabilities. Set fear aside and choose with your heart.

  4. whats wrong with saying it? saying that you want one? people have this notion that you shouldnt want a baby like you want other things. that somehow having a baby shouldnt be a selfish thing. but it is. whats wrong with that? with wanting something great like a kid that looks or acts or asks after you? anyone that tells you they had a baby for any other reason than having something great to play with, is lying i think.
    i want one. best toy ever.

  5. As a father of three, I look back and wonder, knowing what I know now, if I should have been so cavalier about starting a family. But that's just because I didn't have a strong desire for one back then.Raising a family is difficult. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn't doing it right. And everything you said about giving up part of yourself is true: you lose quite a bit of idle time and spontaneity from becoming a parent.This isn't to say it's not wonderful, though. Now that mine are in their early double digits, I find myself enjoying their individual personalities more and more, to the point where I'll sometimes seek out the company of one of them rather than be alone.My advice to someone who is deliberating the question of whether to have a child is, as with so many other things, to follow her heart. If you really want to raise a child and you believe you might be up to it, go for it! This is not a question where there's one right answer. With or without a child, the possibilities are still endless. That is, having a child is not going to determine whether you have a shitty life or not…you are.The age thing is a factor, but shouldn't really be a big one. My wife was 38 when she birthed the twins. She said she was glad she waited, since she didn't see how she would have been ready for children in her twenties (except for the energy to keep up with them, which is the plus side to being a young parent). Both her sisters-in-law were in their forties when they had children. My wife, at 35 with our first pregnancy, was the youngest patient in the obstetrics practice we used. A friend of ours, a single lesbian, is several years older than you and adopting a child next month.Adding to what Patty said, if you have the desire and are willing to parent deliberately, you'll make a wonderful mother, no matter how you choose to do it!

  6. Also, I have to add there are few things in my life more wonderful than having people tell me what a joy my children are. Fortunately for me, it happens pretty often!

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