touching base/wood/the keys

ah, man, I’ve missed my little ibook– chris got it working again just last night and then was off to work super-early this morning, so here I lie, having my old type-in-bed time once more. an indeterminate brain is confronted by the opportunity…

honestly, I’ve felt a bit adrift without the tether of words composed here– facebook brings something else entirely– reconnections, semi-connections, a superficial sort of webbing, but webbing nonetheless– it’s brought me back into some form of contact with more than one lost friend, for which I’m enormously grateful– but the writing medium is altogether different, requiring by custom if not strict technical limitiation (as twitter) a tendency of hyper-abbreviation. this tenor is most surely the coin of the realm more generally, but as an expressive form it does little for real mulling through– my milieu. yes, I know, it isn’t as if vox (or for that matter wordpress, blogger or, heck, my trusty paper journal) has gone away, only myself that has elected to neglect the form– the medium itself remains available throughout my various distractions.

and to what do these distractions amount? little coherent cumulatively, I fear. there’s me, always inclining to weigh and measure. recently here and there been torturing myself for no good reason with google searches for people I no longer need any connection with– wretched, idle hands. I know better. well, at least the killing curiosity is soon exhausted with lack of any relevance, but it’s a waste of energy. and other wastes as well– time and self spent merely watching video, tuning out, dialling down the day. then there’s been some good reading (margaret atwood– and attending her gorgeous many-voiced book launch event downtown on friday). a weekend full of sleep, fighting off one of the many seasonal bugs flying around. glorious golden autumn days. car repairs etcetera.

adrift. diffuse. in need of locating a likely thread to stitch it all into some sense.

one thing tho: we’ve begun to plan weddinging for 2010– in our own idiosyncratic way, with sites of celebration in chicago and northern michigan– we’ve started sketching it out for ourselves, what’s wanted, what’s not wanted, how to accommodate the needs versus desires of those we love, how to make something authentic and real and delicious and right for ourselves, to relinquish any mar from the past’s damaged expectations– to begin anew, rightly and brilliantly, for ourselves.

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hip hip hoorah!!

monsieur le grandissimo couch is away, and I am, in effect, moved. couldn’t have begun to manage it without the feats of my he-man.

lordie, even with the sum total transfer of goods clocking in at 3 miles, moving is a heckuva thing. and why do I always seem to choose to do it in july? I ask you.

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dating: I feel ill

so. I have not always selected my romantic partners with the utmost care– hell, I don’t know that I’ve actually so much selected them at all– more like closed my eyes and tumbled into whatever was right before me.

I’ve gone in for the headlong plunge time and again. and ended up involved with some guys whose priorities were way off from my own. so this time I’m trying to go about it differently. coached by my counsellor, I’ve recognized and owned that what I want, the bottom line, is a partner. and I posted a pretty comprehensive personals ad to this effect on craigslist (it was a good one, if I do say so myself) and have spent the last week fielding responses and meeting a couple of people. that is, two exactly. got several responses, immediately deleted several, did a couple of exchanges with a handful of others, and at this point two have materialized to the point of going out, one of them twice. these two are pretty great dating prospects, I think– our priorities are way more aligned than I’ve experienced in a really long time, heck maybe ever. I like both of these guys right off the bat quite a lot– and now I feel utterly sick about this whole process: dating, choosing.

I know I shouldn’t feel sick about this, it makes no logical sense– but I do, literally. evidently I’m having a really hard time making the process of getting romantically and physically involved more conscious and mindful. evidently I’m a bit of a junkie to the eyes-closed-forward-plunge approach. instead, now, this way, I have to be more present for and accountable to my decisions. it’s all much more substantively real as a consequence, the stakes higher.

truth be told, the collapse of my marriage eons and eons ago still somewhat plagues me. I do not ever ever ever want to find myself so utterly lost inside of a relationship, so confused and unrecognizable to myself and damaging to someone I love. taking the steps actually, actively, consciously to seek out a partner is terrifying to me.

ohmygod, I’m being very dramatickal and annoying, I know. I’m kind of embarrassed to write about this at all, but I need to process this. it’s cuckoo.

I owe myself the opportunity to be selective. I owe myself the time to gauge how I feel about a person before getting involved physically and having my judgment inevitably swayed by all the complicating that involvement sets in motion. I deserve to seek out the very best alignment of people that is available– and the other person deserves this, too– a sarah who is fully present and engaged and standing open-eyed with her decisions. this should not be something that makes me feel ill.

if you have some thoughts about why in the world this would feel so wrong and crazy-making, I would love to hear them.

possibly it’s a cognitive behavioral thing simply, breaking from the comfortable course of habit to a more difficult unaccustomed way of proceeding, that creates this feeling of “wrongness”.

it’s really kind of awful, though. these are lovely people. and conceivably there are even more lovely people sitting in my email inbox, and I’ve simply hit a point of overwhelm and can’t bear to pursue any more if two is already too many. I don’t trust my judgment, apparently– I question the validity of finding two people so appealing right off the bat– like, maybe I’m not being selective enough. at the same time, I don’t want to not choose either of these people, really dislike the thought of dismissing someone– I know this may sound greedy and gross– what it is is I struggle with boundaries, with saying “no” to people, with disappointing them.

jesus, I feel like a certifiable mess. but I swear– I don’t want to be alone forever, lord help me.

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